Psalm 39:7- “And now, Oh Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.”
This is gonna be really raw. Below is an entry that I wrote today in my journal: August 13, 2017.
“I’m overwhelmed with emotion today. Last night some of my good friends threw me a going away party and it was so good.. So great just feeling loved by beautiful people. But today I woke up heavy; because with deep love comes deep emotion. Especially when you have to say goodbye. And I don’t know how long it will be till I am here again.
It is more and more obvious that our lives are all on different paths right now. Even the thought of being so far away from my younger sisters makes me want to just cry. Sob. All of it. These people are mine; and as I step away I don’t know if they will come with me. Or at least in the way that I want them to.
I have no idea what I’m walking into- all I can see is what I am stepping out of. I have a loss of appetite, loss of excitement, loss of confidence. I have no desire to see people because I know it will hurt too much to pull away.
Yet in all of this I have an increased desire to run to You. A greater love of your presence. A need, a longing to spend time with you. And in the midst of my hurting and uncertainty; I’m grateful for that. Thankful that missing people makes me crave You more. And that You will always be there. You take this journey with me. In fact, You lead the way: and I just follow You up. Because You are there, I will go also. What it all comes down to is that I want to be closer to You, and that’s what You have called me to. So I am ready. Full embrace.”
And last Sunday I had a similar reaction:
“I’m diving headfirst into the unknown.
It is far. It is deep. It’s scary as heck.
But gosh how freeing.
How refreshing. How exciting
to jump with Jesus into a greater love for Him.
A flood of emotions as I swim.
I might walk, I might sink.
But I’m never letting go of His hand.
I’m ready, Lord. Steady my fall.
Hold my heart. I’m all in.”
Even when I begin to experience grief and sadness, I rest assured because I know that God works greatest in my weakness. And I am always drawn closer into His arms when I am hurting the most. The journey is exciting; but the transition is difficult. But what must I worry for? My hope is in Him. Always. Not in my friends here, but my future there. Not in my family but in my Father. Not in what I leave behind, but in His consistency wherever I am.
In reading a book the other day I was given some very powerful advice.
“Don’t get so focused on the messy reality that you miss the miracle in the midst of it.”
-Right now my reality is messy.. at least it seems that way. I feel stressed, overwhelmed at times, uncertain of what lies ahead, and saddened about leaving all I’ve ever known. But I am reminded that it was moments like this in the Bible that Jesus came in and did some of his greatest miracles. When everything was out of place- Jesus brought peace and restoration. So even in this time I can be expectant for Him to move. Because Jesus always shows up in our mess to bring His miraculous grace.
There is a song I have always loved called Holy Spirit. The bridge contains the line:
“Let us become more aware of your presence. Let us experience the glory of your goodness.”
I am always always convicted when singing this. My prayer is that God will constantly open my eyes to His presence moving in my life and in the lives of others. He is constantly present and active whether we sense it or not. But I pray that my eyes will be open to what He is doing and how He is working. That is when the miracles happen; right smack dab in the middle of our day to day lives.
“Don’t set into motion what needs to remain still.”
-This one is so good for me. Sometimes I see God’s hand leading me, or feel the promises He has given and I try to jump up and take control. I forget that He is still in control and I don’t have to worry about it. There are times when He tells me to move and to go and do. But other times He shows me the outcome, yet still asks that I wait for His fulfillment. I hope I can continue to trust and obey when I think I know where the road should lead. I don’t want to do anything on my own or outside of His plans. It is easy to sometimes get things moving when in reality God wants us to let them be left alone.
Thank you for letting me be raw and real. Up to this point I have been flooded with so many emotions, but it is important that I embrace all of them. To allow myself to feel both joy and sadness; excitement and grief. Ultimately He is good and He is God; so my soul rests in that. To anyone I have not been able to say goodbye to: I will see you again. Thanks for keeping me in your hearts and prayers. Love you all so big.